The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
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[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
awkward
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God