Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.