The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
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[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?