the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
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If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Happy Thanksgiving
the Monday after daylight savings
Webb. James Webb.
I Can’t Tonight…
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Who says great literature is dead?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Cake safety first. Always.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
The cycle continues
