the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
LA today:
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go