the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
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“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
My nickname in high school was “who?”
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]