“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
As a doctor, I can confirm
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
