Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”