“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
You Might Also Like
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me