Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

want me to check your oil?

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.