Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*