Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

called in thicc to work this morning

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

*exercises sarcastically*

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?

Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.