Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

Born to be mild.

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels