Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
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if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Xylophonist Shredding It
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*