The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
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ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?