Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

boys are so easy to impress

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season