the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
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“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Probably my best painting.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help