The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
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the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.