The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
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Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine