Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May