Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.