Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

LOL

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!