Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

“How’s your day going?”

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!