Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

Stonehinge

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on