The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
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There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Grandmother clock.
