Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

[third date]

Her: please quit calling me Jenny

Me: oh my apologies Jennifer

Her: my name is Amanda