Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.