The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
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Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.