The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
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front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*