The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
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I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
handsome & gretel
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
blocked.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.