Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

The French word for sex is croissant.

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?