[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
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I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
How to draw a duck
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
m’lady
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.