Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me