The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
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WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.