The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
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1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!
me: you know that’s not true, Patsy
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
New skill unlocked
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination