The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
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TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Old old old old old west
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”