The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
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Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
do what now??
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.