The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
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i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?