The two types of wives
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.