The two types of wives
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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
ACED my prostate exam!
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
R.I.P.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader