Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

My daily affirmation

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.