The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
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I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!