The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
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If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
You can’t rush stupid.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.