The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
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Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Story time
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint