The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
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don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
got so much cardio in today
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.