The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
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Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
sin harder.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.