The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
