The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
No laws when master is gone
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I think the cat got the dog high.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
