the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
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my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.