Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter