Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…