the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
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Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
A dad and his duck
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
(by @ZachWeiner )
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
😂😂
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.