the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
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Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I can’t stop watching this.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.