Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.