the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
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When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Worth remembering.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”