the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
😤😤
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
