the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
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Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.