Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.