The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
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Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
The dark side of Canada
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
The only good comments section online is on recipes
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.