The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
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6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
The sacred texts.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
absolutely not
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford