The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
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Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.