The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
You Might Also Like
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.