The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
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[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Yes
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.