The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
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“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.