Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

What a chick magnet..