Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

Nose

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?