The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
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Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?