The United Steaks of America
You Might Also Like
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.