Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

The Joker was right

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that