The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
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my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside