Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

😭😭😭

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK