Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

👻

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.