The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
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Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this