The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
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Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
October 31
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂