The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
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“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Cucumbers Anonymous
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.